The Monster Awakens
by SVUlover14
Summary: Alex and Olivia are both in pain. But sometimes between them, it's cause and effect. I know . . . the summary sucks. The story is better! Established AO. THE LAST CHAPTER IS UP! Please review!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: The characters in this story don't belong to me. They belong to NBC and Dick Wolf.**

**This is a really different kind of story, very rated M, so read at your own discretion. No flames please, but constructive feedback is appreciated. A/O is previously established.**

I got home from work to find Alex lying on the couch watching television. She got up when I arrived and gave me a shy smile. "I made you dinner."

I looked at her in surprise. Usually, we made dinner together, because neither of us was particularly good at cooking. But then I decided not to ask any questions. Maybe she just wanted to do something nice for me, and I'd make her feel bad if I questioned her motives.

I put away my coat and gave her a hug, planting a chaste kiss on her lips. "Thanks, baby. I love you."

She offered another uneasy smile. "I love you, too."

Now I was worried. Alex usually wasn't so – withdrawn. And then I noticed the dark bruise on her arm and knitted my brows in concern. "You okay, princess?"

She hesitated. "Last night, Liv . . ."

She trailed off, and I tried to remember last night. We'd cuddled together and watched a movie and then – and then what? I couldn't remember. Ugh, I must have had one drink too many. Or I might have been dissociating again. My therapist had explained it to me and how frightening it might be if I l lost chunks of time, but that it might happen, and I had to be prepared. She'd also told me I should tell Alex about it so it wouldn't scare her either, but I hadn't been able to bring myself to. Yet. I would soon.

"What about last night?" I prompted Alex.

She sighed. "Nothing." She buried her head in my shoulder. "I'm fine." She hesitated. "I made you lasagne."

"Aren't you going to have any?"

Alex shook her head. "I'm not hungry."

I just stared at her. "We can wait –"

She shook her head again. "It's okay. You eat."

Now I was really worried. There had to be something wrong. Alex usually didn't act like this. "Are you sure you're okay?" I asked again.

She nodded. "I'm fine."

But she wasn't. Between the purple bruise on her wrist that I hadn't noticed before and her out-of-character behaviour now, I knew there was something wrong. I sat down on the couch and pulled her onto my lap, burying my face in her hair and massaging her rigid back muscles.

She fell asleep in my arms, which was concerning in itself, considering it was only 8:00. Nevertheless, I carried her into the bedroom and lay her down on the bed, covering her with the duvet and kissing her forehead. I lay down beside her and stared at the ceiling, trying to get to sleep but knowing it wouldn't come for a while yet.

* * *

_The spider had the fly caught in its web. Poor little innocent fly, lying alone in the dark, waiting. Just waiting._

_The spider entered the bedroom and whispered its usual meaningless comfort. "Shh, it's okay. We've done this before. It won't hurt, I promise."_

_But the fly knew the spider was lying through its teeth. And as the spider caught it up, pushing, pushing inside her, all that was there was pain. Hurting, hurting, hurting. The spider lay down beside the fly and rubbed its back, holding it close._

"_Mm, baby, that was good. So good. You were so good. Mm. Love you, baby. So much. We'll do this again tomorrow."_

_The fly stayed perfectly still, trembling and heaving silent sobs as the spider left its room._

* * *

I started out of the memory and looked over at Alex, just to reassure myself that she was still there, with me. What had happened thirty years ago could never happen now, because here I was with my Alex, the woman I loved, and I knew she would make sure it didn't.

She was lying on her side, crying softly, the duvet pulled all the way up to her chin, and I wondered vaguely what I'd done to upset her. Had I been crying out? Probably, and she was afraid. I hadn't told her about these memories and the way they sometimes haunted me.

I reached over and wrapped my arms around her. "Hey, baby," I whispered, kissing her forehead. She flinched at the touch, but I held her tightly. "You okay?"

She nodded slightly and leaned back against me, but her muscles were rigid, and I tried to massage away the tension.

"You okay, princess?" I repeated, rubbing her back.

She flinched, then nodded again and started to relax. "I love you," she murmured, clinging to my neck.

I pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "Love you, too, baby."

She let out a deep sigh and soon her silent sobs subsided and she'd fallen fast asleep.

I kissed away the remnants of her tears and brushed her hair back from her face. I couldn't sleep. I didn't want the images that had plagued my mind to return.

**Do you think I should continue with this story? Review if you want the next chapter!**


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, I woke up with Alex's soft blonde hair splayed across my stomach. I gently caressed her cheek. "Hey, baby," I murmured as she started to stir.

"Mm." She smiled at me. "'Morning."

"We're going to be late for work," I whispered in her ear.

"Then we should probably get up," she whispered back.

I obediently let go of her and she got up, grabbing her work clothes and starting to change.

I got up too, but then I noticed the bruises on her thighs. "Alex," I said, resting a hand on her shoulder, then feeling immediately guilty when she shied away from the touch. "Honey, what happened?" I gestured to the marks.

She hung her head. "I'm sorry," she said quietly, then hurried to finish changing.

"Baby, is someone hurting you?" I asked gently.

She shook her head. "No one's hurting me. I'm fine."

But she was acting so oddly that I didn't believe it. "You know you can always come to me, right?"

She sighed and pulled on her dress pants. "No, I can't." She went into the washroom and started to brush her teeth, and I didn't follow. I knew I wouldn't be welcome.

_The spider relaxed on the sofa as its dutiful fly fixed it breakfast. The fly started to pour some orange juice, but it spilled the juice on the floor. "I'm sorry," it said quickly as it tried in vain to mop up the mess. It held its arms over its face to protect it from the anticipatory blows._

_But to no avail. The spider smacked the fly anyway, hard across the face, leaving a dark purple bruise in its wake._

I drove silently to the precinct. She followed me out of the car, staying a good three steps behind me. I stopped to wait for her to catch up, but she wasn't paying attention, just staring at the ground as she plodded inside.

* * *

When I got home after work, Alex fixed me coffee. I noticed another bruise on her face and I stared at her, wondering about this sudden change of behaviour.

A bit of the coffee sloshed over the edge as she carried it to me, and her eyes widened in – _fear_?

"I'm sorry," said Alex quickly, mopping up the hot coffee. "It was an accident. I didn't mean to spill it."

I stared at her. "Of course not. It's okay, baby." I squeezed her shoulder. "Leave it. I'll clean it up."

She still looked uneasy, but obediently handed me the mug and let me clean up the mess.

I pulled her onto my lap and threaded my fingers gently through her hair. "Alex," I all but begged. "Please tell me what's wrong."

"You don't – you can't –" Then she gave it up and sighed, leaning her head against my shoulder. But her body was still so tense, and she flinched at my touch.

I kissed her hair. "Baby, you know I'm here for you. Always. Whatever it is, I can help you. I love you, Alex."

She sighed again, a deep exhale that shook her whole body. "Can we watch a movie?"

"Sure, baby," I agreed, giving her a gentle squeeze. "What movie?"

"_The Devil Wears Prada_?" she whispered, phrasing it as a question rather than a response to mine.

"Sure," I repeated. "I'll go get it."

"I will," said Alex quickly.

"Okay," I agreed, knitting my brows in bewilderment.

She scampered to the bedroom and disappeared for a few minutes, then returned with the movie. She put it into the DVD player and turned it on. I patted my thighs and she hesitated before gingerly lowering herself onto my lap. I wrapped my arms around her stomach and pulled her close. She leaned back against me as the movie came on and fell asleep in my arms.

_The fly was sleeping and the spider was sneering at it, then touching. Gently at first, then rougher and rougher. Tearing its clothes off, running its hands all over the fly's body. The fly awoke and stared up at its master with frightened eyes._

"_Mm, baby, you're so good. So good. It feels good, doesn't it?"_

No.

_It hurt. So much. But the fly was helpless against its master. It cried silently as the spider did what it wanted._

_Another smack, harder this time. "I don't like it when you cry."_

_The fly tried, but it couldn't fully stop the tears streaking down its cheeks._

I started back into consciousness. The movie was still on in front of us and Alex was still in my arms, but she was sobbing softly in my embrace. And her clothes – they were lying on the other end of the couch. Had she done that? Had I? It was frightening not to be able to remember.

"Baby?" I whispered, hardly daring to say the words. "Are you okay?"

She buried her face in her hands and nodded. "Fine." She looked up at me and wiped a hand across her eyes. "I'm worry."

I was worried. No, I was _afraid_. "What's wrong, honey?" I took her hands in mine. Hers were icy cold. "Tell me."

She shook her head and looked at the ground.

"Look at me," I said, and her head snapped up, eyes wide with fear. I hugged her close to me. I was almost afraid to ask, but I did anyway. "Did I – did I do something, Alex?"

She shook her head. "You love me," she said quietly.

My heart broke and I kissed her hair. "That's right. I do."

"So it's okay."

I still didn't know what she meant, but I nodded and gave her another kiss. "Yeah, it is, baby."

She let out another deep exhale that shook her whole body and clung tightly to me. "It's okay," she whispered to herself, over and over. "It's okay."

**Review for chapter three!**


	3. Chapter 3

Alex was crying in her sleep. "Please don't make me," she whispered. "It hurts – it hurts – it doesn't – I love you, I love you – I don't want to – I love you!"

I couldn't stand it anymore. Listening to my love's anguished cries was tearing my heart out and I reached out to her, pulling her into my arms and kissing her tears away. "Shh, baby, shh. It's me. It's just me. It's okay, sweetie, it's okay."

Her eyes flew open and she covered her head with her hands, sobbing even harder now. "I didn't mean it," she whimpered. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

I planted another gentle kiss on her lips to interrupt her protests. "Shh, baby, you're okay. It's okay. No one's going to hurt you. You're okay. Please don't cry."

She buried her head in her hands. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cry."

I kissed her again. "It's okay, sweetie. You can cry if you need to. It's just – what can I do, Alex? How can I help you?"

"Don't hurt me," she whispered, her body tensing again.

I held her tightly. "Never. I would never hurt you, baby. You know that."

"_I would never hurt you, baby," the spider assured the fly. "I don't hurt you, right? I make you feel good."_

_The fly was terrified. The spider was lying – or at least, not telling the truth – but the fly nodded anyway because it knew the words would make its master feel better._

_The spider took the fly by the shoulders and shook it hard. "And you will always obey me. Always. I am your master and you will do as I say."_

"_I will," promised the fly, its eyes wide with fear. "Always!"_

Alex was trembling in my arms and I held her close. "Baby? What's wrong?"

She just shook her head, eyes wide. "Always," she murmured.

I stared at her in confusion. "What?"

"I'll always obey, I promise! Just – please – let go!"

I released her immediately. The words were eerily familiar. I'd said the same thing years ago to the monster that haunted my thoughts – the memory was so clear. "Alex," I said gently, trying to disguise the fear in my voice. "Alex, what did you say?"

She began to cry again, wrapping her arms around herself and rubbing her shoulders. "I'll go make you coffee," she whispered through her tears.

"No, baby." I gently took her arm to stop her. "Wait. Tell me what's wrong, Alex. You're scaring me."

She was trembling again. "Please," she whimpered. "Please, let go."

I let go. "Okay, okay. Alex –"

She stood beside the bed, staring at the ground, shivering. I could tell she was terrified but I didn't know _why_. She didn't want to be touched right now, and I understood that. But she didn't want to be near me either, and I didn't understand that. _What had I done wrong?_

I couldn't remember, and that was the scariest part. I'd blanked out again. Had I said something that had scared her? Had I been screaming? Had I been having a flashback?

Something was wrong with me, but I didn't know what it was. I just didn't want it to rub off on Alex. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable and I didn't want to sound like I was ordering her around or treating her like she was inferior. I knew all too well how that felt. So I said the only thing I could say. "I'm going to jump in the shower."

"I'll run it for you," she replied quickly, folding her hands behind her back. I couldn't help but notice the dark bruises on her frail, pale body. When had they been inflicted? How did they get there? Moreover, how had I not noticed?

"You don't have to," I told her, getting up. "I can do it."

She instinctively stepped back, dropping her gaze. "What did I do wrong?" she whispered. "I used to be good – you used to love me."

"Alex," I said quietly, having no idea where she was coming from with this. "You _are _good and I _do _love you. More than anything." I wanted so much to hug her, but I knew I should ask first. "Can – can I hug you?" I asked, afraid she was going to say no.

She nodded and I wrapped my arms around the woman I loved, kissing her gently. Her body was rigid in my embrace.

"I love you," I repeated, because I did, and I knew she needed to hear the words. "So much. You're beautiful, Alex."

I could tell she was uncomfortable in my arms, so I stepped back. "I'm going to get in the shower, baby," I told her. "I'll be out in a bit."

She looked at the ground and nodded again and stood there, waiting for me to leave the room.

I watched her for a moment, then sighed and jumped in the shower, as if I could wash away the pain my Alex was feeling. I wished I could shoulder all of it for her, because I loved her. More than anything.

**Review for chapter four!**


	4. Chapter 4

"_Call me by my proper title," the spider ordered the fly. "You must call me sir and you must call your mother ma'am. It's about respect."_

_The fly folded its hands behind its back and dropped its gaze, nodding. _

_The spider took the fly's chin between its thumb and forefinger. "Look at me," the spider ordered._

_The fly snapped to attention. "Yes, sir."_

_The spider smiled, a cruel smile devoid of any true pleasure. "That's good. And don't you forget it, slut. Don't you ever forget it. You belong to me and no one else."_

_The fly didn't know what that word meant, but it could tell that the word was a bad one, and tears sprang to its eyes at being so bad that its master had to call it such a bad name. "Yes, sir," it repeated. "I belong to you."_

I got home after work to find Alex lying on the couch, watching television and sipping a cup of tea, shivering beneath three blankets. She didn't notice me at first and I just watched her. She looked so peaceful and beautiful – relaxed, even. Like she used to. Why didn't she look like that anymore?

Or at least, she didn't when she was with me. And that made me sad.

Alex snapped to attention when she noticed me. She turned off the television and stood, lowering her eyes.

"It's okay, baby," I assured her, confused. "You can go back to watching – whatever it was you were watching."

"I'm sorry," she whispered again. She seemed to be saying that an awful lot recently.

I sat down beside her. She cringed and shied away from me. "Baby, what's wrong?" I seemed to be asking that an awful lot recently too.

"Nothing," she murmured. "I'm sorry, ma'am."

That stopped me in my tracks. "Alex – what did you say?"

She lowered her eyes again. "I'm sorry."

I didn't understand. It was like she was inside my head, reliving my memories with me. Right now, she was reminding me so much of me when I was a child, and that was something I didn't want. Why was she acting like this?

I brushed a few stray strand of smooth blonde hair back from her face. "Alex, what is it, honey? Did I do something?"

She shook her head again and I could see that she was blinking back tears. "Hold me," she whispered, looking so small and sad and vulnerable that it broke my heart.

I took her into my arms and covered her neck with gentle kisses. "I love you, baby," I whispered. "So much."

"I love you, too," she replied, but the words sounded hollow.

"Do you want to order in Chinese for dinner?" I asked her.

"Sure."

I ordered in the food and turned on my iPod, trying to make her feel at ease. She hesitated before following me into the kitchen.

The food arrived and I paid the delivery guy, then went back into the kitchen and started to spread the food out on the table. Alex took some white rice, but she just picked at it.

A slow song came on my iPod and I recognized it immediately, the first song we'd ever danced to together. I got up and beckoned for Alex to join me. "Dance with me," I said with a smile.

She looked uneasy, but followed me into the family room and let me wrap my arms around her. But I knew she was only doing it to appease me.

"We don't have to," I told her, wondering why she was so uncomfortable.

"It's okay," she said quietly, but the expression on her face said otherwise.

"Are you sure?"

She took my hands and started to lead me in the slow dance, but she was nervous and tripped, and she started to fall.

I caught her in my arms. "That was close," I said lightly, but she looked up at me through wide blue eyes.

"I'm sorry!"

"Hey, hey. It's okay." I turned off my iPod. "We can stop. Let's finish eating, okay?"

She sat down at the table with me, but she didn't eat a thing. And I couldn't force anything down either.

My heart was aching with a pain I neither recognized nor understood.

**Review for chapter five!**


	5. Chapter 5

_The spider was angry. It had had a bad day at work and it was taking it out on the little fly. It took the fly by its arms and shook it hard. "Go get me a drink!" it ordered._

_The fly scurried into the kitchen and looked in the fridge, but it couldn't find what its master had requested. "I'm sorry," it whispered. "There isn't –"_

_A smack, and then another. "What did you say?"_

"_Nothing," said the fly quickly. "I'll go get some more."_

Alex got back an hour after me and came into the family room. "Hey, baby," I called, patting the sofa. "Come sit with me."

She complied, clasping her hands behind her back. She stood in front of me, staring at the ground as she nervously scuffed her toe. Finally, she met my eyes. "Olivia," she said, softly but firmly, with more conviction in her tone than I'd heard in months. "I can't do this anymore."

I stared at her. "You can't do what anymore?"

"I can't be – I can't – I can't be your – I can't be with you if you can't treat me well, Olivia. I deserve more." She hesitated, and I could tell she'd thought out this speech, memorized it, and practiced it over and over. But I didn't understand. She continued, "I don't know what's happened to you, Olivia. You used to love me. You used to treat me like a princess. But now – now, you hurt me. You make me feel like crap, and I deserve better. I can't be your servant anymore, Olivia. I can't be your punching bag."

I stared blankly at her. "Punching bag?" I repeated.

My confusion seemed to empower her, and she snapped, "Yes, Olivia." She rolled up her sleeves to display a rainbow of black and blue.

I gasped. "Alex, what _happened_?"

"Olivia, you did this! Don't pretend you don't remember. You hurt me! I tried to be good, I tried to do everything right, but still you hit me. And I didn't deserve it."

My eyes filled with tears. "No, honey, of course not. You don't deserve to be hurt. No one should ever hurt you."

"I can't do this anymore! You're nice one moment and the next you're hitting me, and I never know what I did wrong! You tell me you love me, but that's not love. You say you'd never hurt me, but then you do. You're sending out mixed messages and I don't know which one to buy." Tears sprang to her eyes, too. "You _forced _yourself on me, Olivia, even though I told you I didn't want it. Why did you do that?"

"I would never do that," I whispered. Where was she getting this?

Alex gave me a long look. "You really don't remember?"

I shook my head, desperately needing her to believe me. "I would never hurt you, baby! I love you! I do!"

"No, Olivia," she said quietly. "This isn't love." She looked down at the ground, then back up at me with set determination in her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Alex!" I called after her, but it was too late.

She was gone.

**Review for chapter six!**


	6. Chapter 6

I sank back onto the couch, trying to make sense of what just happened. _Alex _left me. Alex _left _me. Alex left _me_. Tears rushed to my eyes, because I still didn't understand why. What had I done wrong?

* * *

The next day at work, Alex ignored me as much as she could. She kept her head down as she scurried around, trying to avoid me. The guys must have noticed something was up, but miraculously, they didn't say a word.

* * *

After work, I went to see my therapist again. We had weekly sessions now and she had diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder, and she was trying to help me deal with it. Apparently, PTSD sometimes caused dissociative states, which was what happened when I had those memories – flashbacks. And it was frightening to suddenly wake up and not remember what you just did and how you got where you were. Losing time, blacking out – all symptoms of dissociation, but terrifying all the same.

I sat in the waiting room of Dr. Ellis' office, one leg crossed over the other, my hands folded in my lap. I was dreading this, because I was going to have to tell Dr. Ellis about Alex – that she'd left me and I didn't know why.

Dr. Ellis invited me in and I sat down on the couch across from her, trying to keep my face blank. If she didn't ask about Alex, I would feel justified in not telling her. And if she didn't think I was nervous, she might not ask.

No such luck. "So, how's Alex doing?" she asked.

I sighed and looked at the ground. I didn't answer.

"Olivia?" Dr. Ellis prompted.

"She left me," I muttered. To my horror, tears were rushing to my eyes, and I furiously blinked them back.

"Why?"

She didn't even sound surprised. I knew that was the cool, distant professional façade; I put up the same one at work and so did Alex. _Alex_. But it still hurt.

I buried my head in my hands. "I don't know. She told me – she told me I was hurting her. She had bruises on her arms – she said I hurt her. But I would never, _ever _do such a thing! I love her! I would _never _hurt her." I angrily swiped a hand across my eyes, trying to remove all remnants of my tears.

"Why do you think she thought that?" asked Dr. Ellis gently.

I almost screamed in frustration. "I don't know!"

"Are you sure you didn't –"

"No! Of course not!" I cried in indignation. "I would never do that! Ever! Not to my Alex. I love her."

"You didn't let me finish," she said quietly. "You told me you've been blanking out a lot –"

"Dissociating," I interrupted dryly.

She put a hand up. "What happens during these periods of dissociation?"

I considered, then it occurred to me. I covered my face with my hands. "Oh, my God. I get – all I can see – memories," I managed. "Of being – abused – by my mother's boyfriend. Am I – could I – did I hurt her? Am I re-enacting what happened to me?" Tears rushed to my eyes when I realized how feasible that was. "Oh, my God. I hurt her. I hurt the woman I love. She must hate me. No, she must be terrified of me. Oh, my God. I hit her. I beat her. I – I – I forced myself on her. I couldn't – wouldn't – never – oh, my God, Alex! I can't believe –"

"Olivia," interrupted Dr. Ellis gently. "Did you tell Alex about the dissociation like I told you to?"

I hung my head in shame. "No."

"Then of course she doesn't understand, and she's going to be confused and hurt, physically and emotionally. She knows and you know and I know that you're nothing like your mother's boyfriend, and yet you were doing to her – however subconsciously – what he did to you. Did you ever tell her about what he did to you?"

I shook my head. "I couldn't. I didn't – I didn't want to worry her."

"Well, now you have a problem."

"So what do you suggest?" I asked bitterly. "Should I apologize and kiss and make up?"

"No," she said slowly. "You need to learn to deal with this before foisting it on Alex again, because she won't be able to handle it. It isn't your fault, but it also isn't fair to put her in that situation."

I coughed to mask the choked up quality of my voice. "How can I face her, Dr. Ellis? The woman I love. I hurt her so badly. I know how she feels and it must be even worse for her because it's _me_. How can I deal with . . . work and warrants and everything she does for us? She's afraid of me. She's afraid of _me_. She's scared I'm going to hurt her again. And the worst thing is, I might. And I don't know how not to."

She sighed. "Talk to Alex. If she doesn't want to talk to you, that's her right, and don't push her. If she's uncomfortable, let it go, and wait until she's ready. Then explain it to her and tell her you're sorry. Say you're not going to ask for anything and you don't expect anything at all, but you're getting help. And when you're better – and you will get better – maybe she'll want to try again. She loves you, Olivia, and you love her. It may take time, but it will get better. Time heals. And in the meantime, I'll teach you some coping strategies. It'll take time, Olivia, but you can heal."

**Review for chapter seven!**


	7. Chapter 7

The next day at work, I kept my head down in shame. I couldn't bear to face my Alex. I couldn't bear the pain I had caused her. Every time I looked up and saw the bruises on her face and arms, bruises that I had inflicted on that smooth, beautiful, alabaster skin, I wanted to cry.

She scurried around like a mouse and finally I couldn't take it anymore. It was just the two of us in the squad room; the guys had gone out for lunch, but I hadn't wanted to go with. She was trying to stay as far away from me as possible, but I said quietly, "Alex."

She jumped at the sound of my voice and instinctively covered her head with her hands. It broke my heart, but then she took a deep breath and returned her hands to her sides, regaining her composure and meeting my eyes. "I don't want to discuss this with you, Olivia. Not now."

"Alex." I knew I was ignoring Dr. Ellis' advice, but I was desperate. I needed Alex, with all my heart. She made me whole. Without her, I was nothing, an echo of my former self, a shadow. I couldn't take it. "I understand if you don't want to talk to me and you can be mad if you want to be – it's your right – but please, hear me out."

Her hands were trembling as she looked at me, but she obediently lowered herself onto Elliot's chair.

Suddenly, I was at a loss for words. I'd practiced over and over again last night what I was going to say, but words escaped me now. So I just said what was in my heart. "Alex," I said softly. "I know I hurt you. Badly. I know I betrayed you and I know I broke your trust. But please, please believe me when I say I didn't mean to. I want to explain." I took a deep breath. I knew I had to tell her everything now, even though she wasn't going to want to hear it. "When I was a child, I was abused by my mother's boyfriend. I have post-traumatic stress disorder as a result. In trying to deal with this, I sometimes . . . I sometimes black out and I didn't know it then but I know now . . . while I was blacking out, I was hurting you. But Alex, please, please believe me, I would never try to hurt you. I love you and I never wanted to do anything to hurt you. I didn't know what I was doing and I'm getting help. Dr. Ellis is helping me deal with it and – and I understand if you don't trust me anymore. I don't deserve your trust. But I didn't mean to hurt you, please believe that. I would never hurt you."

Alex was just staring at me. Her expression was blank and I couldn't tell what she was thinking. That terrified me more than anything. I wanted – no, I needed – desperately for her to believe me. I didn't need her to take me back, but I needed her to understand that I hadn't meant to hurt her. I couldn't live with myself if she thought I'd wanted to hurt her. "I'm sorry, Olivia," she said quietly. "I understand, really, but I can't live in fear anymore. I don't deserve that."

"No, baby," I assured her quickly, and when she flinched at the pet name, I corrected myself, "Alex. Alex, you don't. You never deserve to be hurt or to be scared or to be uncomfortable or for anything bad to ever happen to you. You brought so much good into my life and I will be forever grateful. And I'm not asking you to take me back – you don't have to if you don't want to, especially not now. But I'm going to get better. And when I do – when I do – I love you. And I promise I will never ever hurt you again. I mean it, Alex."

There was an almost wistful expression in Alex's eyes, but then she shook her head. "It's too soon."

"You don't have to decide anything now," I said quickly. "We can wait. We can wait as long as you want. And if you don't love me anymore, we don't need to at all. But Alex, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I don't want to lose you. But more than that – I don't want you to be afraid of me. And if the two are mutually exclusive, the latter is more important."

"I don't know if I can trust you," she whispered. She was just being honest, but her words broke my heart anyway. How could things have gone so terribly wrong?

"That's okay," I told her, even though it wasn't. I needed to make her feel safe right now, even if it meant offering false comfort.

"It's going to take time," she replied finally. "Give it time. But then – then I might be willing to try again."

That was all she was willing to give me, but it was good enough for now. I waited until she left the squad room before I allowed my tears to spill over, sobbing in relief. And fear. What if I couldn't do it? What if I hurt her again?

I would have to take it one day at a time. One day at a time.

**Review for chapter eight!**


	8. Chapter 8

Dr. Ellis was helping me – or _trying _to help me, with limited success. She assured me that it was okay, that these things took time, that I would eventually get better. She was teaching me cognitive dissonance, which was just a fancy way of saying she was teaching me how to be aware of my thoughts and retraining my brain to deal with them instead of dissociating, which is how I had dealt with them before.

Several times, though, I still blanked out and woke up with bloodied knuckles from punching something, generally a wall. At least I wasn't punching _someone_. As much as I hated to admit it, maybe Alex leaving was the right thing. Maybe it was the only way to keep her safe, and that was the most important thing.

She was still mostly avoiding me, but the bruises had started to heal, and she was a bit less jumpy than she had been a few weeks ago. But in terms of our jobs, we were much less productive when we weren't getting along. I usually sent Elliot to Alex for a warrant, and he would go when he could, but sometimes he just wasn't there and I had to do it myself. I walked on eggshells around her, trying to be as gentle and calm as I could be, taking care not to say anything that might upset or frighten her, making sure not to raise my voice or give any orders. Still, she mostly kept her eyes down and her speaking to a minimum. I'd broken her, taken away something irreplaceable, and the spark in her eyes had gone away – maybe for good. I loved her, and the realization made me want to cry.

But one day, the perfect picture I'd been painting smudged. I stormed into the DA's office, furious about a perp we'd just arrested, who'd abused his girlfriend's daughter for years. "We need a warrant to search his place, Alex," I said shortly.

She lowered her eyes. "I'm sorry, Olivia, but there isn't enough evidence. No judge will sign that warrant."

"Alex!" I yelled. "You need to get a warrant! He's going to hurt this poor little girl again – she's only ten years old and she's been raped every night since she was three. _Three_, Alex. _Three_. So just get us the fucking warrant!"

She recoiled at my tone and I could see that her frail body was starting to tremble. She wrapped her arms around herself and I could see that she was blinking back the tears that were brimming in her eyes. She straightened her posture, trying to be strong. "I said we can't, Olivia. I'm sorry."

But I was too far gone to even notice what I was doing. "I don't care, Alex. This isn't about you. That little girl needs to feel safe in her bed tonight, and unless we get a warrant to search his place, we have nothing to hold him on. So for once in your life, just accept I know best and listen to me!"

She whimpered, covering her head with her hands to protect it from the anticipatory blows, but I didn't hit her. I was angry, but I was at least thinking clearly enough to know that I couldn't hurt her like that. "Yes, ma'am," she whispered, ducking her head.

And even then, all I heard were the words I wanted to hear, the words that told me that little girl would be safe tonight. I stormed out of Alex' office without even a word of thanks, and it wasn't until later, when I was lying in bed thanking God that the bastard we'd arrested was locked in a holding cell, safely away from that poor little girl, when I realized what I'd done to Alex.

I'd scared her – no, I'd _terrified _her. I'd spent the last few weeks trying to show her that the monster she'd seen before wasn't me, that I loved her, that I was good and gentle and kind. But of course, maybe that monster _was _me, because today – today had been just as bad. I'd abused her to get what I wanted. What I wanted was reasonable, even noble, but I'd hurt Alex to get there, and that wasn't okay. I remembered the look in those beautiful blue eyes, not anger, _fear_. I'd never wanted her to be afraid of me. I'd promised that I would never give her a reason to be scared of me again. But now, I'd broken that promise, and this was all she would remember.

She'd been terrified. She'd put her hands over her head to protect it – she'd thought I was going to hit her. She still didn't trust me, and I hadn't helped matters. She'd been crying. I'd never wanted to make her cry. And now she was going to get a warrant for us – for me. A warrant I knew was impossible, but she would find a way, not because she wanted to or saw the need, but because she was afraid I would punish her if she didn't return with it and she didn't want to add another bruise – or a few more – to the rainbow of black and blue, yellow and purple and red and grey, that disfigured her arms. And that wasn't okay.

But what could I do? I couldn't call her now, or talk to her while she was still in this state. She was right. She couldn't stay if I couldn't control my anger. I might hurt her again – today, I almost did. I didn't want her to live in confusion, in fear. I loved her, but it wouldn't be fair to ask her to come back. She might do it if I pressured her, but it wouldn't be the best thing for either of us. It would destroy her, and without Alex, I was nothing.

I cried myself to sleep again, wishing my Alex was here beside me.

**Review for chapter nine!**


	9. Chapter 9

The next day, Alex kept her head down as she handed me the warrant. I took it and tried to smile. She started to rush away, but I stopped her, gently taking her wrist.

She flinched and whimpered, which just about broke my heart. "I just wanted to say thank you, princess," I said softly.

That clearly hit a sore spot and her face contorted. She yanked her arm out of my reach. "I can't do this, Olivia! This is exactly what I mean. You're cruel to me one minute and gentle the next, even now, and I know you were _not _dissociating yesterday."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I was wrong."

She was clearly done with just rolling over and taking it, because she bit out, "Damn right."

"Baby, I'm sorry –"

"Sorry, sorry, sorry. You're always sorry, but that doesn't make any difference. We all know the signs of a batterer and that's one of them. I left you, Olivia, and I'm not coming back. This is exactly why. I can't live in fear – in _pain _– anymore. You hurt me, Olivia, and this time, you meant to. Move on and accept that. I can't love someone who hurts me."

"But," I whispered, not even caring how childish it sounded. "I love you."

She sighed and wiped a hand across her eyes, then confessed softly, "I love you, too. But I can't take this anymore. You don't love me, because we tell victims every day that someone who loves you should never hurt you. And you hurt me."

"I didn't mean to!"

"And that's what they say too."

I knew she was right and I couldn't stop the tears from coursing down my cheeks. I tried to keep them to a dignified minimum, but it was difficult. "Alex," I murmured. "Please –"

She shook her head. "This is what you do to me. I've given you all I can give and then I've pushed even harder, past all my boundaries just for _you_. And you gave me nothing in return. You just took more. I sacrificed everything for you and I can't do it anymore." By now, she was crying too.

I wanted to hug her, to take her into my arms and kiss her tears away. But I knew I couldn't do that. It would frighten her, alarm her. And that hurt more than anything.

I wrapped my arms around myself, which was the next best thing. "Please, Alex, please. We both need some time to heal, but we can do this. We can make it work. I love you, princess. I love you so much. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Sometimes," she said quietly but firmly. "You need to learn when you have to just let go."

She was right, of course. I was making things worse. But I loved her so much and that was all I could see. I couldn't let go of her. We were soul mates, meant for each other. We belonged together. I didn't know what I'd do without her. "I need you," I protested weakly.

She was crying even harder by now, but she managed to choke out through her tears, "That's what they all say, too, to get their victims to stay. I can't be your victim anymore, Olivia. I can't. I love you, but I've got to do this for myself. I've got to move on and do what's best for me. I can't spend the rest of my life worrying about how to keep you happy at all times. Please try to understand. I can't stay here anymore." She took a deep breath. "I've given Liz my letter of resignation. I leave in two days. And you're not going to follow me."

The world started to spin around me. She was _leaving_. _Forever_. We were over. And it was all my fault. I couldn't deal with this. I couldn't deal with this. I _couldn't_! "Alex," I begged as my knees buckled and I sank to the ground. "Alex, please, please don't do this. Please. I love you so much! I can't – I can't – I need –"

"I can't worry about what _you_ need, Olivia. You need to think about what _I _need. And what I need is not to be here anymore. I need stability. I need security. I need to know I'm not going to be hurt. I need to know you're not going to snap and hit me for absolutely no reason. I deserve to be happy. I shouldn't have to live in fear. And you clearly can't accommodate any of those things."

And she turned and walked away, leaving me on my knees, sobbing my heart out as I wondered how everything had gone so wrong.

**Review if you'd like chapter ten!**


	10. Chapter 10

She left two days later. No one said a word to me about it and no one seemed to realize that it was my fault.

I wasn't living, really. I was just going through the motions. Without my Alex, I was nothing. I had to accept that she was no longer part of my life, but when I woke up in the morning, the only thing that kept me going was the hope that she would return. I knew it wasn't helpful, but it was the only thing I _could _do.

There was a new ADA, Casey Novak. I resented her at first, not because she was incompetent (she wasn't, really – she was just inexperienced) but just because she wasn't _Alex_. Elliot warmed up to her before I did and convinced me to give her a chance. Robot!Olivia did, and she and Casey became friends. But Casey wasn't Alex and she never would be. She could never take Alex's place.

Time went by. Winter melted into spring, spring changed to summer, and summer turned into fall. Our anniversary, her birthday, mine. All passed without any acknowledgement whatsoever. Those days, I couldn't force myself to get out of bed.

Exactly one year, five months, three weeks, and two days after Alex left, we caught a particularly trying case. The fifth victim of a serial rapist, identified only as Jane Doe. She'd been raped, sodomized, beaten, and had her stomach burned with cigarettes. She was at Mercy General, and Elliot and I had been sent to go see her.

I was silent for the ride there, caught up in my thoughts. Since Alex had left, I'd thrown myself into my work, but physically rather than emotionally. My heart just wasn't in it.

We were told to go to room 406 and went inside. A woman with long blonde hair was curled up on her side, crying softly. My heart jumped into my throat when I saw her. Without a doubt, the rape victim lying there, looking so helpless and vulnerable, was Alex Cabot.

Elliot saw it too. "Liv," he murmured.

Alex clearly recognized his voice and rolled over, her eyes, those bottomless blue eyes I'd drowned in from the start, flashing. Even in the state she was in, she was lucid enough to realize what was happening and started to tremble in my presence. That made my heart ache, and the pain increased exponentially when she pointed to the door and said sharply, "Out."

There was my Alex, and I hadn't seen her for one year, five months, three weeks, and two days, and her first word to me was a curt dismissal. But I managed to keep my voice steady. Finding out who raped Alex was more important than my pride. "Alex, we're here to figure out who did this to you. If you want, you can talk to just Elliot. Would that be better?"

"Why do you care?" she snapped.

"Alex, we're here to investigate your rape," I told her, trying not to show how much her words were hurting me. "Nothing more. If you're more comfortable, you can talk to just Elliot, but this is our case."

She broke. "You can stay."

I tried to suppress my sigh of relief and perched on the edge of her bed. I immediately realized that such an intimate action might not have been in her best interests, because Alex started to shake. I wanted so much to touch her, to gather her in my arms and make her feel better, but it had been one year, five months, three weeks, and two days since I'd last done that, and I knew it wouldn't help matters. So I got up, leaned against the wall, and asked as gently as I could, "Alex, can you tell us what happened?"

She focused on a miniscule spot on the wall and spoke to it instead of to us. "I was coming home from work. It was 10:00 and my apartment is only three blocks from the office. It was a nice night and I thought I would walk. It was around 32nd Street, I think – a man grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, started hitting me, kicking me. He raped me, sodomized me with a branch, then he raped me again. He was smoking a cigarette and pulled up my shirt and put it out on my stomach. Then he took his lighter and burned me again, and again, and again. I passed out. When I woke up, I was here."

She wasn't even crying as she spoke and there was no emotion in her voice. She was just giving me the facts. I wanted to hug her, to comfort her in some small way. But I couldn't and she didn't want it. So I forced myself to ask, "Did you get a good look at him?"

"He was taller than me, maybe six feet. Caucasian, but dark hair, dark eyes. He was wearing black boots, jeans, and a black jacket. He had a gun." Her voice quavered as she said, "He said he'd kill me if I told."

I didn't know what to say, so I said the only thing I could think of, "Thank you, Alex. We're going to get this guy."

"Right." I couldn't tell if she was trying to reassure herself or being sarcastic, so I didn't respond.

We talked to a nurse, who gave us the rape kit, which was pretty much as expected. She'd been brutally raped – twice – and sodomized. She'd been violently beaten and the burns on her stomach stood out angrily on her beautiful alabaster skin. It made me want to cry.

I jumped when I felt Elliot's gentle hand on my shoulder. "You okay, Liv?"

I snapped out of it. "Yeah. I'm fine."

He knitted his brows in concern. "Are you sure?"

I nodded. "I'm fine. Let's get this bastard."

**Review for chapter eleven!**


	11. Chapter 11

The case was slow, to say the least, and Alex wasn't being overly helpful. I knew she was terrified, both of the man who'd hurt her and of me, but that didn't make it any easier. She was still in the hospital, being treated for second degree burns and trauma sustained from the sexual assault.

I went to see her the next day. She was doped up on painkillers, drifting in and out of consciousness, but she knew I was there. She rolled over so she was facing away from me and didn't say a word.

I sat down on a chair beside her bed and didn't say anything either. She was in a bad place right now and I didn't know how to comfort her, except with my mere presence. It was all I could do.

I stayed by her side for an hour, then finally left, assuring her I'd be back to see her tomorrow.

I heard her quiet sobs as I closed the door, but I didn't look back. Earning her trust back was going to take time and if I loved her – which I did – I would have to wait it out.

The next day, I was back at the hospital. Again, I sat in the chair beside Alex's bed and just watched her. She was pretending to be asleep, but she didn't fool me. Still, I didn't call her out on it. I just sat there.

Eventually she rolled over and locked her eyes onto mine. I held my breath, fearing that she was going to tell me to get lost, but she didn't. She managed a small smile. "Hi."

Relief seeped through my pores. "Hi."

She looked at me for a moment longer, then closed her eyes again, the smile still on her lips.

Good. We were getting somewhere.

I came back every day for a week, making progress little by little. She would greet me when I arrived and say goodbye when I left. She didn't talk to me beyond that, but she was at least comfortable being in the same room. And that was a start.

Finally, after a week had gone by, she ventured a question. "Are you okay now, Olivia? I mean, with the blackouts . . ."

I nodded. "I'm okay. I haven't had one of those in almost a year."

She sighed, then closed her eyes again.

"You're safe, Alex," I said softly. "I promise you that I will never, ever hurt you again."

The expression on her face was unreadable, and I held my breath for a moment, worrying that I'd overstepped my bounds. But then she relaxed and managed a wan smile. "That's good," she said quietly. "That's good."

* * *

The next day, one of the nurses told me that Alex's condition was improving, and she'd probably be able to return home in a week. This time, I took a risk and instead of sitting in my usual chair, I perched on the edge of her bed. She started at first, then relaxed.

"Hi," she said softly.

"Did the nurse tell you the good news?" I asked.

She nodded. "I can go home next week, probably." She hesitated. "Do you have any leads on the bastard who did this to me?"

I sighed. "Nothing solid, but we're getting there."

We sat in silence for a few moments, then Alex reached out and took my hand in hers. They were icy cold, but just as soft and beautiful as I remembered. I closed my eyes in pleasure and grinned like a fool. I'd been waiting one year, five months, four weeks, and four days for this, for her to be holding my hand, for her to be _touching _me again. This was innocent touching, but it made my heart soar.

* * *

I was back the next day, sitting on her bed again. We were taking it slowly – I had to be patient, but we were getting somewhere. This time, she scooted over on the hospital bed and patted the space beside her. I grinned and obediently sat down next to her. I was letting her take the lead with this, letting her call the shots. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but this was good for now – better than I'd expected, in fact.

She took my hand again in her icy ones and whispered, "Liv."

I looked up at her. "Yeah?"

She took a deep breath. "I want to try again."

My heart skipped a beat.

"I want to take it slow," she said hastily. "But Olivia, I never stopped loving you."

I hesitantly started to rub her back. It had comforted her in the past and I hoped it would do the same now. "Oh, Alex," I murmured. "I love you, too. I love you so much that I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. We can go at your pace, however fast or slow you like. I'm so sorry for what I did in the past, Alex, but I promise it will never happen again. I love you, Alex. You're a princess and you deserve to be treated like one."

Tears were brimming in her eyes and she offered me a watery smile, taking a huge leap of faith. "Hold me," she whispered.

I was only too happy to do so. Our tears intermingled and I buried my face in her hair, inhaling the intoxicating scent of _Alex_.

Then she spoke again. "Please try to understand," she murmured. "Leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I had to protect myself. But it wasn't easy. I cried myself to sleep every night because I missed you so much, and all I wanted was to be in your arms. I love you."

"You don't owe me anything," I assured her, pulling her closer to me. "But Alex, I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I was in a bad place, but now it's all clearer to me, and not a day goes by when I don't think of the wonderful woman I lost. The wonderful woman I drove away."

She knew she couldn't argue with that, so she didn't. She just sighed and snuggled closer to me, which made my heart soar.

I'd missed her so much. And moreover, she loved me still.

_Thank God._

**Review for chapter twelve!**


	12. Chapter 12

Every day for the next week, I went back to the hospital to be with my Alex. We lay in bed together and I held her. She rested her head against my shoulder and relaxed in my embrace. We didn't speak, but we didn't have to. This was bliss.

When she was released, she gave me her new phone number. "Call me sometime," she murmured, pressing the piece of paper into my hand.

"Hey, I'll give you a ride home," I offered. "I've got my car."

I thought for a moment that she would decline, but then she smiled and said softly, "Okay."

We drove in silence, except for Alex giving me directions to her apartment. It was a nice place, tastefully furnished, but there was nothing personal in the apartment. There were no photographs, nothing that clearly said, _Alex Cabot lives here. _And that made me sad.

I walked her upstairs, then turned to go, but Alex grabbed my wrist, a pleading look in her eyes. "Olivia," she said softly. "Please stay."

I lowered myself onto her couch. "Okay."

She sat down beside me, then got up again. "I'm going to go put on some jeans."

I followed her, not really knowing if I should. Then I figured I'd seen all there was to see. What the heck?

She didn't seem to register my presence as she pulled off her hospital gown and started to change into jeans and a sweatshirt. Then she turned around and did notice me, and followed my eyes downward, lowering her head in shame when she realized what I'd seen.

Deep scars crisscrossed her thighs and trailed between her legs, and I gasped. "Alex, what _happened_?"

She looked at the ground. "When I left you, Olivia, I hated myself. I felt that somehow this was all my fault."

"It wasn't," I cut in, but she raised her hand to stop my protests.

"I couldn't have a normal relationship with anyone simply because they weren't you. I wanted you, but I wanted the Olivia I knew, not the Olivia you'd become. And I couldn't function. And inflicting a bit of external pain numbed the internal pain for me. It was a coping mechanism, but not a very good one."

I wanted to hug her, but I knew I shouldn't. I forced myself to drop my hands to my sides and tried to blink back the tears brimming in my eyes. "I'm so sorry, Alex," I whispered.

She looked away. "It wasn't your fault."

I sighed. "I know, but I don't like seeing you in pain. Ever."

She smiled. "This is the Olivia I know and love."

The tears did spill over at her words. "I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel like you were anything less than wonderful. You are, Alex, and I'm so, so lucky to have you."

And then she was crying too. She pulled on her jeans, then walked over to me, wrapping her arms around me. "It's good to have you back," she murmured.

I hugged her back. "Are we – are we okay?" I hardly dared to voice the question, but I needed to make sure she wanted this. I couldn't bear the thought of hurting her again, however inadvertently.

She nodded into my neck. "I want to be with you again, Olivia. I want to try again."

**I know this was a short one, so please don't be too mad at me. Review for chapter thirteen!**


	13. Chapter 13

**This is going to be the last chapter. Enjoy!**

_The spider had the fly caught in its iron grip. Touching, and it hurt so much . . . the fly was crying, but silently, so the spider wouldn't hear. The spider didn't like when its fly cried._

I woke up screaming, trembling as the images flashed through my mind. And then I remembered. I was in bed with my Alex, and everything was okay.

I rolled over to face her and my heart started to pound when I saw that she was curled up in a ball, facing away from me as tears streaked down her cheeks. "Alex," I said, gently, so as not to startle her. I was afraid to ask the question and my heart sank when I realized what must have happened. "What's wrong? Did I – did I hurt you? I'm so sorry, Alex! I'm so sorry! I thought –"

She turned to face me and said quietly, "No, you didn't. You didn't touch me. You were crying. You were having a nightmare. And I didn't want to do anything because I was scared you might." She lowered her eyes. "You didn't hurt me, Liv. You didn't."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "I would never hurt you," I said, but I wasn't sure if I was trying to convince her or to convince myself. "Then why were you crying?"

"Because you were. And I didn't want you to be in pain. But I didn't know how to help you without getting hurt." She hesitated. "What am I supposed to do if you have a bad dream?"

I thought about it. "I don't want to accidentally hurt you. If I'm thrashing around or something, you're not going to be able to wake me without getting hurt, so don't try. But other than that . . . I don't know. They're bad, but I'm used to them, and I usually snap out of them pretty soon. I just don't want you getting hurt."

She gave me a watery smile. "See, you are better."

I took her hand and leaned toward her. "You know what? I think I would sleep better if you would hold me."

She wrapped her arms around me and kissed my forehead. "I love you, honey."

And that made everything okay.

* * *

When I woke up in the morning, I could hardly dare to breathe. I was still in Alex's arms. She was still here. I hadn't hurt her and she hadn't left me. Maybe things were better. Maybe we could stay together. Maybe everything would be okay.

She was still asleep, her blonde hair splayed over her face like an angel. Her warm breath tickled the back of my neck, and I could relax, knowing she was by my side. This was all I'd ever wanted.

I felt her stir and held my breath, waiting for her to come to her senses, waiting for her to get up and leave me. But she didn't. She wrapped her arms more tightly around me and kissed my shoulder blade. "I love you, Liv," she murmured, and I felt a single salty tear land on my arm. I didn't know why, but I pretended to be asleep. I knew she wouldn't have let me see her like this if she'd known I was awake.

Finally, I couldn't keep up the façade anymore and I rolled over to face her. She wiped a hand across her red eyes, clearly trying to disguise that she'd been crying. "'Morning, Alex," I said softly.

She managed a watery smile. "Good morning."

I planted a chaste kiss on her lips without really thinking about it, and surprisingly, she reciprocated. And then I realized how much I'd missed this. "I love you, princess," I whispered, twirling a strand of long blonde hair around my forefinger. Then I swallowed, knowing I shouldn't ask, but feeling the need to do so anyway. "Was this – was this okay?"

She kissed me again. "Perfect."

And it was.

**Sorry if the ending is really abrupt (I know it is) but I thought this was a good place to stop it. Review if you enjoyed!**


End file.
